My Boys

Love this picture of the boys!

Logan my little ham at bedtimeWyatt my sweet boy

Noah my big boy he is AMAZING!

INVADERS

They have invaded our house!

These cute little furry creatures have finally made their way to our house! I will say the zhu zhu pets are the best kind of pets to have they have kept the kids entertained for hours!!!!

anger/disappointment? maybe relieved?

I wish I knew how to feel everytime i get the call that my exhusband is not coming to get the kids. Usually its with in hours of when he is suppose to pick them up. I wish that it did not happen very often or that the kids didnt know. I am not going to be the one to tell them. Even if it takes till 9 pm tomorrow night to get a hold of him. Like i said i dont know how i should feel. Part of me is ok with this. the other part is a little on the miffed side because i had plans and things i needed to get done with out the kids being with me.
I am trying hard not to hate him. He is after all their dad. I work everyday on forgiving him for waking up and choosing not to be a father. In church today the pastor talked about really learning and understanding God's word and then living by it. He does not have to answer to me but to God and that i am trying to take comfort in. I am trying to take a deep breath and really listen to what God would want me to do and to show my children. I am just soooo thankful at how blessed our life is. I know God has a plan for our life and that there will be a man MAN-enough to step in and show my boys what it means to be a Godly man and to show Mia what she deserves. For right now though i am very happy with where i am in my life.

growing up

Last nigh it hit me that all my babies were growing up! Noah especially. I held him back a grade because I thought he needed it. I was wrong! I am going to try my hardest to get him into first grade. He has blossomed over the summer like I never expected. He is such a joy that while i am sad he is growing up i am excited to see who he becomes. Wyatt has really come out of his shell over the last year and he is so funny! He keeps me laughing all the time. You just never know what may come out of his mouth! Miss Amelia wow over the last month she has had a word explosion. She is also starting to use her imagination and its just as funny as Wyatts. The both of them LOVE scooby doo.... So when she doesnt want to go to bed she tells me that there is a monster and scooby doo needs to come get it... Then there is baby Logan he is the one who has really changed over the last few weeks. He threw his first tantrum lastnight and i wish i would have gotten it on flim! He is talking up a storm his new word is uh-oh! I love when babies start to use that word.

Show us your life

So over at kellys korner she is doing show us you life for singles. SO here goes nothing. I live in Texas and i am a single mom to 4 wonderful children who are 6, 4 , 2 and 1. I enjoy hanging out with my kids. I also like to go out with my friends when i can find the time and babysitter. I am very family oreinted. I have full custody of my children. I am involved at my church and faith is very important to my along with honesty.

First Birthday!

Logan turned one about a month ago! we have been so busy with summer activities that i have not been able to blog!

May happenings

We have had a busy month! My divorce is finally final! Noah and Wyatt are almost done with school! Amelia had her first dance recital! Last but not least Baby Logan is almost 1!

april updates

We had a wonderful easter! We spent it with the kids paternal grandparents. The live on a nice piece of property and the best part is the have ducks! the kids love to go feed them. We are heading back that way for memorial weekend and the kids could be more excited. The kids get a chance to really run while they are there. It is also nice for me it give me a few extra sets of hands. Plus the kids adore their grandparents and their aunt!
On the divorce front it is still on going. I think we are in our 18th month now. I am ready to be done with it. He keeps telling me that he has moved on.... LOL i was like really i couldnt figure that out..... Since you have already set a wedding date with your 18 yr old gf. And correct me if i am wrong i am the one who filed for divorce! Not gonna lie it creeps me out that there is 19 year age difference. Maybe it would be different if she were 27 and he was 46.
On the school end- For the boys its going great! we are just getting ready for all the end of the year parties. This year we are doing a Luau theme! i am sooooo excited for it. For me on the other hand this week is really stressful! I am trying to finish up this weekend and it looks like it will happen but my poor kids have to deal with a stressed momma! atleast finishing up will give me about a month off from school.
We are looking forward to Logans first birthday!

Cowboy day

Noah had cowboy day at school a few weeks ago so of course we had to go all out!

my little cowboy!

Easter 2010

Our Easter was great this year. This was the first time we did not spend it with my family. We drove to Texarkana to spend it with the kids grandparents(B's parents). We had such a good time. This was the first time that they got to meet Logan. They kids love being there with them. They live on i believe 10 acres and the kids can run wild! Plus they have ducks! I will post pictures as soon as Grammy figures out how to email them to me.

The big 6!

I cannot believe i have a 6 year old! He had his first real birthday party this year with a little friend from school. It was great we had hotdogs chips and of course a yummy transformer birthday cake! Noah is still my miracle baby and I think he will always be. Six short years ago I was so afraid of losing him. Now i look at him and sometimes it does seem like sitting in the NICU with him was a lifetime ago. Here are some pics of the party :)

it takes a village

I must agree it does take a village to raise a child. Or in my case children. Being a single mom is hard. I knew it would be there are days when I am completely overwhelmed and want to pull my hair because i know that there will be no one walking through the door at 6 to help or give me a break. I know that i will be with out a partner for awhile and thats ok. I knew i had to be ok with it when i filed for divorce. But in the mean time I have a phenomenal best friend M she and T have been such a blessing! They met us yesterday after infusion and we went to Mr. Gattis. T was so good with the boys! And I am so grateful for them! here are some pics:

please don't

Please don't tell me you get it about my sick kids or you hear me or anything to that affect! No you dont! You do not know what it is like to practicly live in the hospital. Or to have drs tell you that you are crazy! Or to have the ER flag you as a frequent flyer.... To be confined to your house with 2 very small children because everytime you go out with them they get sick. I dont just mean sniffles i mean 105 fever and a hospital stay. Because heres the deal you dont get it and you never really will! This is my life it wont get better my boys will not get better. I wake up everyday with a fear that they are sick and knowing that this is the sickness that they just cant fight. I live with the fear of losing my boys everyday so no you do not hear me when i say my kids are sick! and please do not complain about your child being sick becuase you truely have no IDEA what sick is!

SNOW!!!!!!!!!!

It snowed here today!

Going back

I am going back to church! I am so excited about this. I have felt for along time something has been missing from my life and from the kids. I have joined the moms group at church too! I feel like such a new person. I love that my life has had some crazy twist and turns but it has led me back to God. I feel at such peace. I did laugh when i found out what the meeting next week was about... Keeping your marriage working! Though i am sure that it could be applied to all relationships not just marriage... We will see how it goes! I am just excited to meet other moms!!!!!

How far?

How far would you go to protect your kids? My friend K wrote about protecting her kids. It made me think about how far I would go. I am completely inlove with my kids :) they make me smile just thinking about them. The reality is i cannot protect them from everything but will do everything in power to try. I will try protect them from emotional and physical hurt. I have a hard decision to make do i allow my children to go to their fathers wedding or keep them home? Do i let them get angry with me now for reasons they will understand later or do i let them go and be here for them when they get back? The kids had a very hard time while they were with their dad. They are not used to seeing with anyone but me. They are still so young when do i let them go? I dont agree with this wedding at all. They were togther before i even filed for divorce and her age really bothers me! What if Mia were to come home at 18 with a 37 yr old? I must say God has blessed me with an amazing life, family and friends! Without them i am not sure i would know how to handle any of this! So do i let them go?

What if?

What if I had told B that i wanted to get back together and try to work things out? What if i told him that over christmas. Would he have lied about his gf? Would he have ever told me? Or would he just keep her on the side? I was thinking about this last night.... Partly because i know he is not being honest about how long he has been together with his gf.  The only thing i asked was that while we are still married that we go to each other when we were ready to date so that we could figure out together what was best for the kids. I dont like the fact that she met the kids before he told me about her. or that i had to learn about her from my 5 yr old. ....Yes I want the divorce hands down! I would never get back with B there is no trust there......But again what if?

Amelia's 2 yr appt

my "little" girl two years later. She is only in the 5% for both height and weight!

Siblings

My kids amaze me.. .The boys can be fighting on minute and playing the next.. And then there is Mia those boys protect her to no end and yet she can drive them up a wall! I find it sooo funny. Then there is baby Lo and all of them love him... All i keep thinking is in a few months when he is into everything we will see if they still feel the same! For now though here are some pics of the kids playing outside and Lo watching and wishing he could be out there too!

The Meeting

Ok well i meet the girl friend.... All i have to say is she is 18.... He is 37 and wow.......Thats really all i can say.... I dont know how to be ok with that. I am trying to be ok with the fact he is dating someone who he is going to marry very soon. I just feel we are still married and could he not wait untill after it is final to bring her around for the sake of the kids? I am not sure that i believe him when he says they have been together for a short time... I am no where ready to start dating even though we have been separated for 16 months.. and when i do my kids lives and my dating life will remain separate till i know that he is the one. these are the reasons why:

My biggest reasons!

Dont you want to be mean?

This is the question i am getting. The answer is no.
The background story:
It starts almost 7 years ago when B and i decide to get married. Our marriage was great in the beginning. We both had wonderful jobs great friends and family. Then we get the news we are expecting we were thrilled but cautious as we had lost our first. Things with Noahs pregnancy went well at first. By the time i was six months i started developing high blood pressure. Then around christmas time I delveloped polyhydraminos which is when you do not get rid of your fluid. It could possibly mean that the babies kidneys are failing. Then i started dialating at around 28 weeks. So on bedrest i went! Noah was born on Feb 23rd he was a premie! an 8lb 8oz premie! He spent time in the NICU and that was so hard to leave with out my child. I do not wish that on my enemy.... Life with Noah was rough he was sucha sick little baby that B and I lost our way. When Noah turned 1 we found uot we were expecting again it was a shock to both of us.. We were using protection. Things were starting to look back on track for us. B hard lost his job found a new one that was great! We were doing well. Noah was still very sick though. Didnt know what was wrong with him though. Wyatt joined our family in nov 05 perfectly health we thought. In april of 06 we found out what was wrong with Noah common variable immune defficiency (CVID). We were crushed he was so very sick. We thought we could survive anything... Noah started treatment and did and still does ok not great but ok... We thought things were ok When Wyatt turned 1 things went down hill fast with him health wise. We had him tested and with in a week of him being 18 months and us finding out we were expecting again (planned) he was diagnosed with the same thing. We were to say the least crushed then we found out it is genetic and i was/am the carier... I was soooo scared that we would be having another boy  and could i handle another one. I cried myself to sleep many nights till we found out we were having a girl. But shortly after Mia was born our marriage was slowly going down hill. I cannot speak for B but my feeling is he became very overwhelmed and just shut down. I on the other hand think i went a little crazy bc i felt so out of control. My kids were so sick our finances sucked! we just drifted apart.... We could barely stand to be in the same room all we did was fight. Then my world came crumbling down... I sat down to return some emails and found one that I almost deleted thinking it was spam... I am sure B wished i would have ;) (yes he and i can laugh now)...... I am sure you can imagine what i found.. B admitted it and we tried hard to make it work but I think our marriage was to far gone to be repaired. Honestly though it was the probably the best thing that happened to both of us. Then after he moved i found out i was expecting baby Lo... We are working to hard to do what is best for the kids. So now back to  the question B has met someone who is very special to him and when he comes to pick up the kids this weekend we are going to have lunch so i can meet her since they will be around her. No i am not going to be mean i see no reason to. Plus i do not want the kids to see that and think its ok to be mean. Because its not.

Amelia turns 2!!!!!

My sweet crazy beautiful little girl turned 2 on monday. I cannot believe 2 years have passed since she was born. She is still as little ever but is soooo strong willed.
Loves:
     Mommy
     Brothers
     Nana (nanas make up)
     Dora and Boots
     Finally like putting bows in her hair
     Loves picking out her clothes :)
Hates:
       Taking baths (getting hair washed)
        Not getting to go on the bus with her brothers
        going to sleep at night.

New Year New Me

Last year was a rough year for me and the kids to. We had to get used to a new "normal".  The divorce was alot harder than i thought it was going to be for me emotionally. By all means it is what i want but it was still sad that the family unit was breking up. Though B and i had our rounds in court. Which was hard. I decided at the first of the year that none of our issues matter what really matters is doing what is right for the kids. So he and I had a real true adult conversation last friday night and laid it all on the table. What i expected and what he expected and we came to a compramise. He is going to do his best to help out with the child support (yes he is behind) and other things the kids may need and he was going to try his hardest to see the kids once a month. He is taking them for  a few days this weekend except for baby lo he is still to little. I am also meeting his new girl friend too. People have asked if i am going to be nice to her..... The answer is yes. i see  no reason to be mean to her. She seems like a very nice person and I also do not want my children to see me be mean to her, because i do not want them to be mean or hateful to her.Our new normal has been going really well. The kids have done really well with the divorce i think that they even knew B and I were not happy. Noah asked the other day if i was married this is a first. I told him no mommy and daddy made better parents then married... He said yeah we did no more fighting. Wow kids know so much more than we give them credit for!

Christmas 2009

Christmas this year was great. The boys got out of school the friday before christmas. They had a great first half of the year! The boys got a dragon castle from santa and Mia got her first baby doll from santa to. Baby Logan got a few bath toys what do you really get a 6 month old.