What if?

What if I had told B that i wanted to get back together and try to work things out? What if i told him that over christmas. Would he have lied about his gf? Would he have ever told me? Or would he just keep her on the side? I was thinking about this last night.... Partly because i know he is not being honest about how long he has been together with his gf.  The only thing i asked was that while we are still married that we go to each other when we were ready to date so that we could figure out together what was best for the kids. I dont like the fact that she met the kids before he told me about her. or that i had to learn about her from my 5 yr old. ....Yes I want the divorce hands down! I would never get back with B there is no trust there......But again what if?

Amelia's 2 yr appt

my "little" girl two years later. She is only in the 5% for both height and weight!

Siblings

My kids amaze me.. .The boys can be fighting on minute and playing the next.. And then there is Mia those boys protect her to no end and yet she can drive them up a wall! I find it sooo funny. Then there is baby Lo and all of them love him... All i keep thinking is in a few months when he is into everything we will see if they still feel the same! For now though here are some pics of the kids playing outside and Lo watching and wishing he could be out there too!

The Meeting

Ok well i meet the girl friend.... All i have to say is she is 18.... He is 37 and wow.......Thats really all i can say.... I dont know how to be ok with that. I am trying to be ok with the fact he is dating someone who he is going to marry very soon. I just feel we are still married and could he not wait untill after it is final to bring her around for the sake of the kids? I am not sure that i believe him when he says they have been together for a short time... I am no where ready to start dating even though we have been separated for 16 months.. and when i do my kids lives and my dating life will remain separate till i know that he is the one. these are the reasons why:

My biggest reasons!

Dont you want to be mean?

This is the question i am getting. The answer is no.
The background story:
It starts almost 7 years ago when B and i decide to get married. Our marriage was great in the beginning. We both had wonderful jobs great friends and family. Then we get the news we are expecting we were thrilled but cautious as we had lost our first. Things with Noahs pregnancy went well at first. By the time i was six months i started developing high blood pressure. Then around christmas time I delveloped polyhydraminos which is when you do not get rid of your fluid. It could possibly mean that the babies kidneys are failing. Then i started dialating at around 28 weeks. So on bedrest i went! Noah was born on Feb 23rd he was a premie! an 8lb 8oz premie! He spent time in the NICU and that was so hard to leave with out my child. I do not wish that on my enemy.... Life with Noah was rough he was sucha sick little baby that B and I lost our way. When Noah turned 1 we found uot we were expecting again it was a shock to both of us.. We were using protection. Things were starting to look back on track for us. B hard lost his job found a new one that was great! We were doing well. Noah was still very sick though. Didnt know what was wrong with him though. Wyatt joined our family in nov 05 perfectly health we thought. In april of 06 we found out what was wrong with Noah common variable immune defficiency (CVID). We were crushed he was so very sick. We thought we could survive anything... Noah started treatment and did and still does ok not great but ok... We thought things were ok When Wyatt turned 1 things went down hill fast with him health wise. We had him tested and with in a week of him being 18 months and us finding out we were expecting again (planned) he was diagnosed with the same thing. We were to say the least crushed then we found out it is genetic and i was/am the carier... I was soooo scared that we would be having another boy  and could i handle another one. I cried myself to sleep many nights till we found out we were having a girl. But shortly after Mia was born our marriage was slowly going down hill. I cannot speak for B but my feeling is he became very overwhelmed and just shut down. I on the other hand think i went a little crazy bc i felt so out of control. My kids were so sick our finances sucked! we just drifted apart.... We could barely stand to be in the same room all we did was fight. Then my world came crumbling down... I sat down to return some emails and found one that I almost deleted thinking it was spam... I am sure B wished i would have ;) (yes he and i can laugh now)...... I am sure you can imagine what i found.. B admitted it and we tried hard to make it work but I think our marriage was to far gone to be repaired. Honestly though it was the probably the best thing that happened to both of us. Then after he moved i found out i was expecting baby Lo... We are working to hard to do what is best for the kids. So now back to  the question B has met someone who is very special to him and when he comes to pick up the kids this weekend we are going to have lunch so i can meet her since they will be around her. No i am not going to be mean i see no reason to. Plus i do not want the kids to see that and think its ok to be mean. Because its not.

Amelia turns 2!!!!!

My sweet crazy beautiful little girl turned 2 on monday. I cannot believe 2 years have passed since she was born. She is still as little ever but is soooo strong willed.
Loves:
     Mommy
     Brothers
     Nana (nanas make up)
     Dora and Boots
     Finally like putting bows in her hair
     Loves picking out her clothes :)
Hates:
       Taking baths (getting hair washed)
        Not getting to go on the bus with her brothers
        going to sleep at night.

New Year New Me

Last year was a rough year for me and the kids to. We had to get used to a new "normal".  The divorce was alot harder than i thought it was going to be for me emotionally. By all means it is what i want but it was still sad that the family unit was breking up. Though B and i had our rounds in court. Which was hard. I decided at the first of the year that none of our issues matter what really matters is doing what is right for the kids. So he and I had a real true adult conversation last friday night and laid it all on the table. What i expected and what he expected and we came to a compramise. He is going to do his best to help out with the child support (yes he is behind) and other things the kids may need and he was going to try his hardest to see the kids once a month. He is taking them for  a few days this weekend except for baby lo he is still to little. I am also meeting his new girl friend too. People have asked if i am going to be nice to her..... The answer is yes. i see  no reason to be mean to her. She seems like a very nice person and I also do not want my children to see me be mean to her, because i do not want them to be mean or hateful to her.Our new normal has been going really well. The kids have done really well with the divorce i think that they even knew B and I were not happy. Noah asked the other day if i was married this is a first. I told him no mommy and daddy made better parents then married... He said yeah we did no more fighting. Wow kids know so much more than we give them credit for!

Christmas 2009

Christmas this year was great. The boys got out of school the friday before christmas. They had a great first half of the year! The boys got a dragon castle from santa and Mia got her first baby doll from santa to. Baby Logan got a few bath toys what do you really get a 6 month old.